Eye opener

Back in 2017, I started my childhood dream and got into med school. And I wanted to keep my memories and experiences in this blog which I started in 2013.

Reading through my old posts during my pre-med days, it was actually refreshing to see excerpts from my past self and get inspired by my drive and passion. Before entering med school, I wrote a lot about it. The excitement, the adrenaline, the fuel. The time between getting licensed and deciding to push through with med school imposed upon a series of unfortunate events; losing my aunt, my mom, dealing with adulting, working full time, juggling budgets with limited compensation, etc. But despite all that I said that I must live, and I did. I lived my life to the fullest because I know what I was getting into. Travelled a lot, spent time with friends, spent weekends either on the mountains or the beach, camping, and tried new things. Getting as far away as I could was my coping mechanism and I discovered a whole new version of myself. I loved every fleeting moment.

When school began, adjustment period wasn’t exactly easy for me . Whenever I try to write something about this venture of mine, all I do is stare at this blank page the whole time. It’s like anaphylactic shock. I want to say so much, but I can’t utter a single word. It wasn’t exactly a walk in the park, and it was never meant to be easy, and more to it, it never gets easier.

Most people ask how long does it take before one can completely adjust to the demands of med school. To be honest, I’m in my 3rd year and it’s still an adjustment for me. There’s always something new in every encounter that you have to adjust to each day. I learned that along with adjustment is acceptance and coping. There’s just always something new that would pop up out of no where to challenge me to quit to the point that I ask myself several times a day “is this what I really wanted?”. Many times I would go back to my why’s and question were they enough. 

All the fuel ran out and that version of myself that used to be so alive and on the go, came crawling back to her cave. I can’t enumerate the countless times I’ve hit rockbottom and I just turned numb. “Ah okay, bagsak nanaman. Oh tapos? Onto the next”. Emotions and feeling down is an understatement. Give yourself 10 seconds to be upset and feel everything, but make sure that the next minutes you have pulled yourself together so as not to fail the next series of exams you have to take. Doctors spend all their lives studying on how to revive people and bring them to a state of homeostasis. But in order to be one, you have to experience being in a state of instability and chaos.

What adds to the burden of this feeling is vultures hovering around you saying

“Ginusto mo yan diba?”

“Kinaya nga ni ganito eh, dapat kaya mo din”

“Sus isang exam lang yan”

“Anong depress depress? Bata ka lang, oa ka lang, entitled ka lang”

I still remember all the times when I tried to open up but then I get big slam on the face on how friends and family would shut my feelings down and consider it “lang”. Until I got to the point that I don’t open up at all or refuse to accept their “kamusta ka na doc?” Because deep down, don’t even ask if you’re just waiting for a story of failure you can belittle and bring your own achievements to the table just to rub it in my face. There’s just too much to handle and treating all my progress as crap is the least that I would like to hear about. 

It is indeed an eye opener.

Sometimes I feel like I’m alone in this fight, and I taught myself to be okay with it. Because at the end of the day, it is me who would clean up after my mess, and it is me that I am investing for. After all “ginusto mo yan diba”.

“Life is the sum of your choices”

I chose this because I know I could get through this. But if you would allow people to implant doubts and negativity and let them use every mistake you made to compromise that courage, do yourself a favor and shut their opinion out. Remember that this is your fight, and how you do it is none of their business. If they’re not supportive, then ignore them. But if you permit them sabotage it, you simply letting plain selfish and pathetic actions corrupt your dream. People don’t progress by dragging each other down. Let them waste their time and effort. If they chose not to progress, that’s on them. Again, you make you, and your choices define you. 

One statement from one of our mentors once said in her lecture, 

“Medicine is not made for quitters and the weak hearted, it is not for everybody” 

“You are different among the others, and that is why you chose to be a doctor”. 

And in instant, I’m back on my feet! All this time I thought I was weak because of all these feelings that I shouldn’t have in order for me to thrive. But the fact that I choose to stand up everyday to fight through it, is a courage of what a doctor should have. When I chose to distance myself by the fear of people’s critiques, I lost the voice that would push me back up. And for a physician in practice to remind us of our worth, it was what I needed to hear. I was so drowned by the opinions of others who don’t even matter that I lost vision on the real deal. Everyday is a battle, and you have to live with that. Not all people who voiced out their critiques needs to be  heard. And not all who cheers you on would shout it out loud. Some are silent and just behind you ready to catch your back if you fall. Those are the only ones who should matter.

Cry and work hard in silence. Your  struggles will eventually flourish and speak loud enough for you.

Keep fighting future lifesaver.